The Case for Making Anger your Friend
Understanding and embracing anger can lead to positive change and personal growth!
We all know anger gets a bad reputation. A lot of us (especially women and people of color) have been told we need to suppress and hide our anger — that it somehow makes us less than, unreliable, or rude. People often dislike anger because it can be intimidating and uncomfortable to witness or experience. It can lead to conflict, hurt feelings, and strained relationships. Additionally, some may associate anger with aggression or violence, leading to fear or avoidance of the emotion. In my personal experience with religion, like many others, I was taught that contention is of the devil (Book of Mormon, 3 Nephi 11:29; Bible, KJV, Psalms 37:8), and if we succumb to anger (through feeling it or expressing it) we’re giving into Satan’s temptations and therefore we are sinning. This added layer of spiritual pressure to the already immense cultural pressure of never feeling or expressing anger can really do a number on a person, let me tell ya.
However, when understood and managed effectively, anger can serve as a powerful catalyst for positive change and personal growth. Anger is a natural, and often times appropriate response, in many scenarios. Anger signals to our mind and body that something is a threat, something is hurting us or someone we love, or there has been an injustice. In fact, when harnessed correctly, it can be a powerful force for positive change in our lives and the world around us. Even Jesus flipped a few tables in the New Testament (Matthew 21:12-17). So, rather than demonizing anger, let’s explore how we can make it our ally.
Acknowledge and Validate Your Feelings: The first step in making anger your friend is to acknowledge and validate your feelings. Instead of suppressing or denying your anger, allow yourself to feel it fully. Notice how it feels in your body. Recognize that it’s okay to be angry and that your feelings are valid.
Understand the Source: Once you’ve acknowledged your anger, take a step back and try to understand its root cause. Is it stemming from a personal frustration, an injustice in the world, or a perceived threat to your values or beliefs? Understanding the source of your anger can help you address it more effectively.
Channel Your Energy: Anger is like a fiery energy coursing through your veins—it’s up to you how you channel it. Rather than channeling that anger into destructive behaviors that could hurt yourself, others, or others’ property (physically, emotionally, verbally, or otherwise), or behaviors that fall out of line with your personal values, find healthy outlets for your anger that align with who you are and who you want to be as a person. Oftentimes, anger wants us to move our bodies. Exercise, punch a pillow, scream into the void, turn on your loudest and angriest music. Other activities such as journaling, ranting to a trusted friend, and even engaging in activism are all powerful ways to channel your energy constructively.
Use Anger as Motivation: Anger can be a potent motivator for change. When channeled effectively, it can fuel your drive to stand up against injustice, advocate for yourself and others, and work towards positive solutions. After all, anger’s whole job is to tell you when something needs to change. Let your anger inspire you to take action and make a difference for yourself or others.
Practice Self-Compassion: While anger can be a powerful catalyst for change, it’s essential to practice self-compassion along the way. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling angry or expect yourself to be perfect. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend facing similar challenges. If and when you get caught in the heat of the moment and display behavior that is otherwise outside of your values system, apologize and take accountability, and let yourself learn from your mistakes and move on.
Notice what Other Emotions Come with Anger: Anger very rarely, if ever, travels alone. I tend to think of anger as a protector for us in many senses, including protecting us from our harder emotions. Anger is often a visceral, hot, energetic emotion. It doesn’t necessarily feel pleasant, but it can feel very powerful. When we are also experiencing colder, low energy, unpleasant emotions, we tend to feel more powerless or even hopeless. Anger can be a great cover and we still need to feel all the emotions under the surface as well — but we won’t get under the surface unless we feel through our anger first.
Engage with Anger Before it Becomes Explosive: Expressing anger doesn’t mean resorting to aggression or violence. Oftentimes, when we are suppressing anger for long periods of time, we turn into volcanoes that inevitably erupt and in those explosions come the aggression and violence. Instead, find healthy ways to express your feelings and engage with anger over time.
One of my favorite activities to give clients who really need to blow off some steam, and learn to regulate anger, is “angry meditation.” Set aside an intentional amount of time (5 minutes is a great start, 15 minutes if you’re feeling extra advanced) and let yourself notice any anger that arises. Maybe you think about the things that have upset you that week, maybe you remember the worst movie you’ve ever seen, maybe you put on the angrier music you can find, or maybe you’re like me and you remember the mean classmate in 4th grade who bullied you. Whatever it is, let yourself fully feel the physiological expression of anger. Journal about what’s bothering you, go for an angry walk or drive, turn the music up loud, or yell into the void. Notice and feel any other emotions that come up. Then, after your time is up, set aside another 15 minutes to engage in a soothing activity. Take a bath or shower, listen to soothing music, go on a calming walk, pet an animal, or drink some calming tea. Don’t expect yourself to immediately “turn off” the anger when your timer goes off — allow yourself time to return back to baseline.
Remember, making anger your friend isn’t about letting it control you—it’s about harnessing its power for positive change. By acknowledging, understanding, and channeling your anger effectively, you can transform it from a destructive force into a catalyst for growth, empowerment, and social change. So, the next time you feel that familiar surge of anger, embrace it as an opportunity for transformation and make it your friend and ally in identifying what is important to you and what changes you want to create in your world.