What are boundaries?
Understanding what boundaries are and how they nurture healthy relationships
In the realm of relationships, the word “boundaries” comes up quite often. Yet, the concept of boundaries remains unclear to many, which can leave us questioning what exactly are boundaries and how do we establish and maintain them?
At their core, boundaries are the invisible lines we draw around ourselves that mark where we start and another begins. They have a profound impact on our relationships and well-being, and are necessary for healthy relationships. They define the limits of acceptable behavior, safeguard our autonomy, respect our emotions, and protect our physical space. Similar to fences, boundaries place protections around our values, needs, and personal space.
A key aspect of boundaries is that boundaries are about your own behavior, and not about dictating what others do. Setting a boundary with another person is setting the precedent for how you will respond to certain events, behaviors, or stimuli.
Types of Boundaries in Relationships
Boundaries come in various forms, each serving a distinct purpose in shaping our interactions:
Personal Space: Each person should have the freedom to spend time alone or with friends without feeling guilty or intruded upon.
Emotional Boundaries: Respecting each other's feelings and not invalidating or dismissing them. Avoiding emotional manipulation or guilt-tripping.
Physical Boundaries: Respecting each other's physical comfort levels, whether it's about physical affection, intimacy, or personal boundaries regarding touch.
Communication Boundaries: Being honest and open without crossing into invasive or controlling behavior. Respecting each other's need for privacy in certain matters.
Financial Boundaries: Establishing clear guidelines for shared expenses, budgeting, and financial decisions. Respecting each other's financial independence and avoiding financial manipulation or control.
Time Boundaries: Respecting each other's time commitments and obligations outside of the relationship. Avoiding excessive demands on each other's time or expecting constant availability.
Social Boundaries: Respecting each other's friendships and social circles. Avoiding controlling behavior or jealousy towards friends or social activities.
Intellectual Boundaries: Respecting each other's opinions, beliefs, and interests even if they differ. Avoiding belittling or dismissive behavior towards each other's intellect or ideas.
Sexual Boundaries: Respecting each other's sexual desires, preferences, and boundaries. Ensuring that all sexual activities are consensual and mutually enjoyable.
Trust Boundaries: Building and maintaining trust through honesty, reliability, and consistency. Avoiding behaviors that undermine trust, such as lying, cheating, or secrecy.
Levels of Boundaries
In general, there are three different types of boundaries you can set:
Rigid Boundaries: Rigid boundaries are characterized by strict, inflexible limits that are often overly rigid and uncompromising. Individuals with rigid boundaries may have difficulty in forming close relationships and tend to keep others at a distance. They may struggle with intimacy and emotional connection, preferring to maintain a high degree of independence and self-reliance. Some characteristics of rigid boundaries include:
Unwillingness to share personal information or emotions with others.
Difficulty in accepting help or support from others.
Strict adherence to rules and routines, even when they may not be necessary.
Difficulty in adapting to change or new situations.
Tendency to avoid close relationships or intimacy due to fear of vulnerability.
Flexible Boundaries: Flexible boundaries are characterized by a healthy balance between openness and firmness. Individuals with flexible boundaries are able to adjust their boundaries based on different situations and relationships while maintaining a sense of self-respect and autonomy. They are capable of forming close relationships while still maintaining their own identity and values. Some characteristics of flexible boundaries include:
Openness to sharing personal information and emotions with trusted individuals.
Willingness to accept help and support from others when needed.
Ability to set and enforce boundaries while also being receptive to others' needs and perspectives.
Capacity to adapt to change and navigate new situations with ease.
Comfort with intimacy and emotional connection in relationships, balanced with a healthy sense of independence.
Porous Boundaries: Porous boundaries are characterized by a lack of clear boundaries, resulting in difficulty in distinguishing between one's own thoughts, feelings, and needs, and those of others. Individuals with porous boundaries may struggle with assertiveness and may feel overwhelmed by the emotions and needs of others. They may have a tendency to be overly accommodating and may sacrifice their own well-being for the sake of others. Some characteristics of porous boundaries include:
Difficulty in saying no or setting limits with others.
Tendency to absorb others' emotions and take on their problems as their own.
Lack of clarity about one's own identity and values, often adopting those of others.
Feeling responsible for others' happiness and well-being.
Difficulty in maintaining autonomy and asserting one's own needs and boundaries in relationships.
For the most part, your boundaries will be flexible. Flexible means they can be firm but at times change depending on needs. I like to imagine a tree - it’s grounded by its roots, but can sway with the wind as needed. And always remember, you may have different boundaries with different people and in different relationships and that’s okay! In fact, I hope you have different boundaries with your boss than you do with your spouse.
Why Boundaries Matter
Boundaries are the cornerstone of healthy relationships. They foster mutual respect, trust, and understanding, laying the groundwork for genuine connection. Without boundaries, relationships may veer into toxicity, with individuals feeling overwhelmed, resentful, or invalidated.
Establishing and maintaining boundaries is an act of self-love. It entails honoring our needs and asserting our agency, even if it means saying no or setting limits. By doing so, we cultivate self-awareness, resilience, and a deeper sense of authenticity.
Setting Boundaries: A Practice
Setting boundaries is both an art and a skill, requiring self-reflection, assertiveness, and communication. Here are some steps to guide you along the way:
Reflect on Your Needs: Take time to identify your needs, values, and limits. What makes you feel comfortable or uncomfortable in different situations? What are your deal-breakers?
Communicate Clearly: Articulate your boundaries with clarity and empathy. Use "I" statements to express your needs and concerns without blaming or criticizing others.
Be Consistent: Consistency is key to maintaining boundaries. Hold firm to your limits, even in the face of resistance or manipulation. Remember that no one else can hold your boundaries for you. Often times, those who react poorly to boundaries are the people who need them most.
Practice Self-Compassion: Setting boundaries may evoke guilt or anxiety, especially if you're accustomed to prioritizing others' needs over your own. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that setting boundaries is an act of self-care, not selfishness.
Examples of Boundaries
Here are some examples of what boundaries can look like in a relationship. Remember, boundaries are about our own actions and not about controlling the actions, behaviors, beliefs, or emotions of others.
Personal Space: Agreeing that each person has designated areas of the home where they can have alone time or pursue hobbies without interruption.
Emotional Boundaries: Not pressuring your partner to share their deepest thoughts or feelings before they're ready, and not using emotional blackmail to get your way in arguments.
Physical Boundaries: Respecting your partner's preference for personal space, such as not crowding them when they're upset or not initiating physical contact when they're not in the mood.
Communication Boundaries: Agreeing not to interrupt each other during serious discussions and avoiding shouting or name-calling during arguments.
Financial Boundaries: Setting a budget together and agreeing on how much each person can spend without consulting the other, and not using money as a way to control or manipulate your partner.
Time Boundaries: Respecting each other's schedules and not expecting constant communication throughout the day, especially when one person is busy with work or other commitments.
Social Boundaries: Allowing each other to have separate friendships and not pressuring your partner to spend all their free time with you or exclude their friends from social activities.
Intellectual Boundaries: Having respectful debates without resorting to personal attacks or belittling each other's intelligence or opinions.
Sexual Boundaries: Agreeing on what activities are off-limits and respecting each other's comfort levels and boundaries during intimate moments.
Trust Boundaries: Being transparent about your whereabouts and activities, and not keeping secrets or lying about important matters that could affect the relationship.
As you can see, boundaries are important in many aspects of our lives. Unfortunately, with the rise of individuals learning therapy words but not actually going to therapy, individuals can try to label the following behaviors as “my boundaries” when what they actually mean are “my rules you have to follow but that I don’t have to follow”. Here are some things to look out for in terms of boundary violations.
Personal Space: Constantly invading your partner's personal space, such as reading their messages without permission or showing up unannounced at their workplace.
Emotional Boundaries: Dismissing or minimizing your partner's feelings, telling them they're overreacting, or using emotional manipulation to get your way.
Physical Boundaries: Ignoring your partner's discomfort with physical contact, forcing them into intimate situations they're not comfortable with, or using physical aggression during arguments.
Communication Boundaries: Constantly interrupting your partner or talking over them during discussions, refusing to listen to their perspective, or using verbal abuse to dominate conversations.
Financial Boundaries: Controlling all the finances in the relationship without consulting your partner, hiding money or debts from them, or using money as a tool to manipulate or punish your partner.
Time Boundaries: Demanding your partner's constant attention and becoming upset when they need time alone or with friends, guilt-tripping them for not spending enough time with you, or constantly monitoring their whereabouts.
Social Boundaries: Isolating your partner from their friends and family, pressuring them to choose between you and their social circle, or becoming jealous or possessive when they spend time with others.
Intellectual Boundaries: Mocking or belittling your partner's opinions or interests, refusing to engage in respectful debates, or trying to control what they think or believe.
Sexual Boundaries: Pressuring or coercing your partner into sexual activities they're not comfortable with, ignoring their verbal or non-verbal cues to stop, or engaging in sexual activities without their consent.
Trust Boundaries: Lying or keeping secrets from your partner, cheating on them, breaking promises or commitments without explanation, or engaging in behaviors that erode trust, such as flirting with others or betraying confidences.
To really drive this point home, here are 10 even more specific examples of what isn’t a boundary, and what its actual boundary counterpart looks like.
Not a boundary: Don’t call me after 10:00 pm.
Boundary: I don’t answer my phone after 10:00 pm
Not a boundary: You can’t talk to me that way!
Boundary: I can’t engage in a conversation when there is yelling. I’m happy to resume the conversation when we can all keep our voices down.
Not a boundary: You aren’t allowed to talk to that person.
Boundary: I feel uncomfortable when that person is around. If they are here, I am going to excuse myself.
Not a boundary: Don’t talk to me when I get home.
Boundary: I’m feeling really overwhelmed from work today. When I get home, I’m going to spend 30 minutes alone in the bedroom so I can decompress. I prefer not to be disturbed.
Not a boundary: You have to combine finances with me, we’re married!
Boundary: I am fine to have a joint account for shared expenses, and I’d like to keep a separate account for personal spending.
Not a boundary: We have to spend all of our time together.
Boundary: I love spending time with you, and I need time apart. Let’s schedule some “us” time and some “apart” time.
Not a boundary: If you loved me and wanted to be with me, you wouldn’t make me do this activity.
Boundary: I’m not comfortable with this activity, let’s try something else together that we can both enjoy.
Not a boundary: You have to tell me everything, I’m your spouse!
Boundary: I value transparency in a relationship, so I am not going to keep any secrets from you. I would appreciate the same level of transparency from you, too.
Not a boundary: No one is allowed to talk to me about religion.
Boundary: I prefer to keep my spiritual life private and don’t wish to discuss it right now. Let’s talk about something else.
Not a boundary: You have to hug grandma, she came all this way to see you!
Boundary: I am not comfortable with close physical contact. I can offer you a fist bump or a high five.
What Boundaries Communicate
If someone sets a boundary with you, they are communicating that they value the relationship and want to keep you in their lives. The boundary they set allows you to know how you can best support them as an individual and how you can honor your relationship.
In summation, boundaries are the scaffolding of healthy relationships. With boundaries we foster respect, autonomy, and emotional well-being. By understanding, setting, and honoring our boundaries, we create deeper connections, greater self-awareness, and a heightened sense of empowerment. Embracing boundaries allows us to nurture ourselves and create fulfilling relationships.